THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

STRESS – everybody has heard of it, everybody has something to say about it, but does anyone really TALK about it?  It is a word used a lot more in our modern society.  We have all used expressions like “I feel really stressed out” or “my stress levels went through the roof”, but stress can be so much more. 

It has become more fashionable now for people to say they have flu when in fact what they have is a common cold.  Yes it might be a nasty cold but you would definitely KNOW if it was flu.  Trust me, I have had plenty of colds throughout my lifetime some worse than others, but have only had proper flu on two occasions and boy was I ill, give me a cold any day!  The same can be said of the word stress, we will all suffer from some form of stress in various levels of intensity, in fact it is said that a certain amount of stress is good for you but sometimes it can lead to more serious problems.

Stress is our bodies way of reacting to a particular demand.  Chemical changes occur in our bodies to give us the strength and energy to cope if the stressful situation is a dangerous one, the ‘fight or flight’ instinct.  Without this our ancient ancestors would not have survived.  Unfortunately nowadays the threat does not manifest itself in the form of a charging lion or herd of elephants it can be anything from your work load to your partner.  In fact it can be very difficult to know just who or what the ‘threat’ is, thus making the way you feel even more confusing and leaving your mind in a state of limbo as it does not know what to do to deal with the situation.

Most of the time when a difficult situation arises we are able to deal with it.  It may take some time, some working out, sometimes we may not get to the exact solution we wanted but we do arrive at a solution.  But what happens when we can’t find a solution?  When everything we try seems to lead into more failure?  We feel at our wits end and totally helpless all rational thinking goes out of the window, we are left with feelings of utter despair, we are then heading towards the next phase of stress DEPRESSION.



I never saw my depression coming.  I was offered the chance of another job.  Now I was not even looking to change my employment I loved the job I was in and the people I worked for, but I think I felt flattered that someone thought I was capable of doing something else, something entirely different from that which I was used to.  The money was a lot more too , I thought it would be stupid to at least not give it a go. So I said goodbye to one job and started in another.  For a time it seemed like I had made the right decision but then more and more responsibilities were given to me that were completely different to what I had done before and I started to feel out of my depth.  I felt as if my Husband would think I was stupid, that all my friends  and ex-work colleagues would think I was stupid (after all I did leave a perfectly good job I was happy in) and that I was a complete failure.  I now hated the job so much that I would feel physically sick at the thought of having to go in.  I could see no way out at all, if I resigned it would be really hard to get another job due to the employment situation.  

The problem was I did not tell anyone how I was feeling although I think family were aware due to my mood swings.  All I kept doing was going over and over the problems in my mind and not being able to find a solution.  My self esteem became low, apart from going to work I did not want to go out.  I had the feeling that people would be looking at me and seeing me for the failure I thought I was.  This was so out of character as I am a very sociable person under normal circumstances.  One morning I just could not even face getting out of bed and made some excuse about not feeling well.  The truth was I just could not face going in again.  I spent the whole day moping around the house feeling more and more depressed and hating myself for feeling like that.

My youngest Daughter Sarah worked at a hairdressers at the time and the next night she came home and said that she had booked an appointment for me to have a relaxing massage. She explained that one of the customers in the shop had a room converted in her house where she did various beauty treatments, including massage which Sarah new I loved.  Normally I would have jumped at the chance but because of how I was feeling I just could not face going.  Sarah was not taking no for an answer though, she had already made the appointment (for that evening) and paid for it.  I had no choice, if I did not go it would have upset her a lot and I was not prepared to do that.  

That night I found myself in front of a total stranger, a really nice one though.  During the treatment we talked at little and then I found myself pouring my heart out to this stranger and crying – no sobbing.  She was so kind and advised me to go and see a doctor even though I kept telling myself I did not need to.  After the tears and the massage I felt a lot better, in fact my Husband said I looked happier than I had done in ages. 

I went to the doctors the next day as I had promised the family and found myself crying for the second time that week.  The doctor was lovely, he explained that there were tablets that can help with depression but he felt that after listening to me I should just try and get another job first as this seemed to be the root of my problems.  I never went back to the other place.  I made an effort to go into town and register with some employment agencies.  I then had a call from my friend and colleague who I used to work with to say that my old company were looking to employ someone but in a different department from the one that I had been in before, and did I want her to put in a word for me?  I got the job, I went back to my old place and it felt like returning home.  No-one judged me.  I finally got my mojo back.

My depression was short lived and easily sorted, but it surprised me how quickly those feelings of utter despair and failure took hold of me.  For a time I was in a very dark place, a place I never want to return to again.  

I know I am not the only to feel like this and that is the reason I wanted to write about it.   Although I am very close to my family and they did pick up on how I was feeling, I never actually talked about how I felt to them at the time.  I think that is often the key to the problem.  As mentioned earlier on, because we tend to use words such as stress and feeling low (Doctors often refer to depression as low mood) in everyday conversations there is a tendency to feel that they are not really big problems and that you are fussing about nothing.  You feel that family and friends might just think you are moaning.  You may know that they have problems of their own, you don’t want to burden them with yours.  The flip side to this can be that family and friends have already noticed that something is wrong but they are frightened to say anything to you as they think you obviously don’t want to talk about it so it is best left.  People keep their distance thinking they are giving you space and you think they are avoiding you which just adds to your low esteem.  Everyone know there is a problem but no-one wants to be the one to talk about it.

Although stress and depression can happen to anyone in all walks of life, I see it mentioned far too often between parents of children with disabilities. These parents are having to fight for things all of the time for their children.  The beurocratic ‘red tape’ stands in their way on many occasions and sometimes they cannot see any way round it and yet they must because it is for their child.  The mind goes into a state of turmoil, normal day to day living goes out of the window and their lives become focused on the battle that they feel they cannot win.   They may post on support group forums as they feel safe there, no-one will judge them but in the main they battle on alone.  Friends & family look on, no-one wants to mention the elephant in the room.

I am not a doctor or a counsellor so my advice as such has no medical backing but based on my own experience what I would say to anyone feeling like this at the moment is TALK TO SOMEONE.  Talk to your Doctor and maybe ask if you can be referred to a stress counsellor.  I can almost see the stiff British upper lips trembling at the thought of counselling, surely that is for the Americans? – WRONG –give it a go, you have nothing to loose but everything to gain.  If you will not talk to your Doctor then call The Samaritans – they are not just there for suicides.  Two of the most lovely and understanding people I have known were Samaritans, one of them was my Mother.  Sometimes, as in my case just talking through a problem with someone who is not directly involved in your life, who doesn’t know you and will not judge you, can be enough to get you back on track. They can clear the path enabling you to focus clearly again.



If you think someone is struggling but don’t know how to approach them, try inviting them over for a coffee and a chat, you don’t have to force the situation but it might be enough to give them the opportunity to let off steam.  Failing that a bunch of flowers or even just a smile can work wonders.

In the words of  Jerry Springer  TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF – AND EACH OTHER.


CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION ON THE WORK OF THE SAMARITANS

SISTERS… ARE DOING IT FOR THEMSELVES

You may remember my post regarding the situation with trying to get a special bed for Jessica as she has outgrown her cot (Trying to build for the future).  Since then things have moved on a bit. 

Following Emma’s complaint to the Staffordshire Social Services regarding the waiting list for an O.T. assessment etc., and other people writing/speaking to them on her behalf (including a local councillor) she did receive a visit from the Manager of the Occupational Therapist Department to discuss the complaint and to explain the position more fully.

Unfortunately the position has not changed at all, other than the Manager did agree to move Jessica to a category 1 due to the stress that was obviously being caused to the family.  She also said that she felt that Emma was right in thinking Jess’s cot was too small and therefore not suitable for her.  She suggested that Jess should have a mattress on the floor so as to avoid any danger of her falling out of the cot.   

Emma pointed out that whilst Jess was awake (she often keeps waking just after going to bed but at the moment is in her cot) she would just keep crawling around the bedroom and would be chewing the skirting boards, pulling herself up on furniture etc., and would therefore be totally unsafe.  The lady agreed that the room would need to be made safe which would include replacing the skirting boards with plastic ones, taking out the existing window sill and replacing with a plastic equivalent, removing all furniture out of the room etc.  All of this was obviously going to cost money and an assessment would have to be made before any help could be given by Social Services, but yes.. you’ve guessed it, the waiting time for an assessment was about 8 months at present due to staff shortages, even though Jessica had now been given a category 1 status. 

Emma still held firm to the belief that the only thing that would keep Jessica safe during the night was the specialist high sided bed that she had seen and one that is used by a lot of children in a similar position to Jess.  These beds normally cost around £5,000 or more but the charity Newlife Foundation can supply these if there is sufficient funding but the application must be accompanied by an occupational therapist assessment report.

This was all very stressful.  On one hand it was confirmed that the cot was not ideal and Jess would be better off on the floor, but then it was also pointed out that the room was not safe as it was for her to be on the floor and the help needed to put it right was not available either at present.  Talk about being caught between a rock and hard place! 
In fairness I think the O/T Manager felt like that too.  She was new to the job and was trying hard to get more staff apparently but the backlog was so big it would take a while to have an impact.  Government cut backs were blamed and it was suggested that everyone should write to their local M.P.’s and make them aware of the impact these cuts were having on much needed services.  Although she could not sanction a specialist bed was needed for Jess  ( no assessment) she was prepared and did infact speak to the charity Newlife who confirmed they may be able to fund it if they had it in writing that there was such a long waiting list in Staffordshire to get an O/T assessment. The Manager did agree to put something in writing.

That night we went out for a family tea as tensions were still running high.  During the course of the meal Emma received a text from one of her friends who is also a teacher for Waterbabies, saying that they had seen the difficulty Emma was having and also the stress she was under and they wanted to help to raise money for a new bed for Jess.  

This text had an amazing impact.  First of all I burst into tears when I read it which is not good when you are sitting in a crowded restaurant with your six year old Granddaughter next to you, secondly Emma looked happy for the first time in days.  There was a light at the end of the tunnel.

The text also got Emma thinking.  She is passionate about children learning to swim and enjoying the water which is why she loves her job . She started to talk to Natalie about the sponsored swims that her friends had suggested they do and straight away Natalie said that she wanted to help.  

Natalie as you may have guessed loves swimming.   She also loves her Sister.  She said that she wanted to raise money so her Sister could get a new bed, she thought that some of her friends might like to join in too.  The next day Emma had come up with a plan, she was going to organise a sponsored swim for Natalie and hopefully other children from Natalie’s school (Emma already helps voluntarily with the school swimming lessons so is known by many of the pupils). 

So the pool has now been hired and the date set. Emma & Ben want the  money raised from this to go directly to Newlife Foundation so if Newlife are able to fund the bed then some money is going back into the charity.

The friends from Waterbabies are also organising a 24hr swim (details still to be arranged) as they want to raise as much money as they can towards the cost of a new bed for Jess.  Thank you just does not seem enough but it is all I can manage at the moment as I am in danger of tears falling onto my keyboard!

Please take a look at Natalie’s Just Giving Page below and if you are able to donate it would be very much appreciated.  If you are in Stafford on the 29th June, then come along to Stafford Leisure Centre at 4.30 and support the children it would be lovely to see people there.

NATALIES JUST GIVING PAGE

Above all, thank you for reading these blogs and sharing, your continuing support means a lot, it is not just about money, knowing that people care is priceless.

REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL–PART 1

The pressures of everyday life can weigh heavy on your shoulders at times.  The last few months seem to have been difficult for all of my family in one way or another.

When my second Granddaughter was born with an undiagnosed Genetic Syndrome I sort of guessed that things would not be plain sailing but I never envisaged that everything would be such a battle just to get even the most basic of things.  I never envisaged that my eldest Daughter would have to become an expert on medical matters just to be taken seriously by various authorities.  Some days are not always good.

Yesterday was a good day.  For a start the sun was shining for most of the day.  It is true what people say, when the sun shines people do seem to be happier.  I for one felt happier when I got up yesterday morning.  I took Jess to her SEN Nursery as usual and helped out in the class that I normally help out in on Tuesdays.  I love being a volunteer, I am starting to get to know a lot of the children in the school now and don’t get so mixed up with their names, at first I thought I would never remember them all. 

My first good experience was seeing how excited Jess was when we got to nursery.  During the car journey I am constantly reminding her of where we are going and sometimes accompany this with a song about going to nursery (thank you Sing & Sign) – I hasten to add that I am NOT signing whilst driving!  Although Jess is non verbal I think she understands a lot more than she can convey.  Once we arrived she waved her arms up and down – a sure sign that she is happy or enjoying something.  I got her in her wheelchair and off we went to the sensory room which is where she joins her other class mates until it is time to go into class.  Jess knew exactly where she was going and even tried to get out of her wheelchair herself once we got to the door.  She can’t wait to be let loose with the bubble tube and the lights she also knows that her teaching assistant Kate will be there and she loves to see Kate.  As soon as her feet touched the ground Jess held onto my one hand and started walking – actually no it was more pulling – towards the sensory room door.  A wonderful sight because as you are probably aware if you are a regular reader, we were told that Jess may never walk, o.k. she still cannot walk completely unaided, but I know that is just going to be a matter of time.  Once inside Jess sat down and let go of my hand and crawled towards Kate and the bubble tube, I always say goodbye to her as I do not believe in just disappearing, but she did not take any notice.  No this does not make me sad, just another reason to be happy as I can remember the early days when she would cling onto me and not want me to leave.

Next I make my way to the classroom where I help out for the morning.  I think the sunshine was having an affect on the children too as they all seemed to be quite cheerful.  Sometimes a child can get upset over something and start to cry and then it has a knock on effect on the others especially those with noise sensitivity.  There have been days when I have had my lunch followed by a couple of paracetamol tablets.

Yesterday morning the children were happy and even the children who are prone to crying for no apparent reason seemed to be calm.  The nursery uses conductive education so everything is done with a song attached to it or a certain piece of music.  Each adult in the class works one to one with a child helping them to do various stretching exercises on the floor mats all accompanied by a song.  I have been taught how to help with the exercises and to make sure the child gets a good stretch to their muscles which is so important to those that are in this group.  Next it is snack time and helpers are required to sit with their child and either help them feed or feed them if they cannot do it themselves or just watch to make sure they do not get into any difficulty.  The child I was with yesterday morning surprised me by grabbing the spoon out of my hand and trying to feed herself.  Apparently she had only just started to do this a few days ago.  Things like this just prove how good Greenhall Nursery is and how dedicated the staff are.  No matter what a child’s disability may be they always focus on the positive and try and build upon that.  So there was another reason to be cheerful, I was so pleased by this child’s efforts, it made me feel really good.  I clapped her enthusiastically and she clapped her hands back and gave me a big smile.  Being a volunteer has given me so much hope for Jess’s future achievements as I have seen things that others have said were impossible become possible.   Working with children can be very rewarding but working with children who have disabilities has got to be one of the most rewarding things ever and it certainly teaches you that it is the little things in life that can sometimes be the most satisfying.

Later in the day after nursery Jess and I picked up big  six year old Sister Natalie from school.  Again Jess gets very excited about this as she loves her Sister and Natalie clearly loves her too.  Natalie had a gymnastics class later at which we would be joined by their Mummy on her way back from work.  Nanny Joan normally takes Natalie to gymnastics but as she was on holiday I was stepping in.  We didn’t have a lot of time and Jess was now feeling tired and getting a bit irritable but Natalie was so good.  She went upstairs and got herself ready for gymnastics and then sat down to have some tea.  Whilst I was upstairs changing Jess she cleared away her plate and cup without any prompting.  I was trying to get her hair into a ponytail and was struggling to get all her hair into the rather small hair band.

“Don’t worry Nanny if it’s not quite right” said Natalie.

“Mummy is used to doing it so it doesn’t matter if you can’t do it just like her”.

Such grown up and kind words from one of six years.  It made me laugh.  It made me realise just how much I love this little girl and I gave her a big hug and told her that her Nanny loved her so very much. 

Final reason to be cheerful, Jess is to have a specially adapted trike in time for her Birthday in July.  This has been funded by a charity, proof that there is still kindness in the world.  The picture below shows Jess trying this out at a disabled living exhibition we went to recently.

Bet you are smiling now too!!